Find The Time

Hey P&G,

Sexual Carob here with you again. Sensual Element had to attend an edible underwear conference. She does all this for you!!

A few of my married friends and I had a long discussion about “leaving the kids at the crib.” Leaving kids at the crib means husband and wife spending quality time together without the children. (Hopefully, out of the house). My friends who are single mothers or fathers seem to understand this concept. For example, MM, when given proper notice, will secure a babysitter for her two wonderful daughters. She realizes that she must make time for herself as well as her family.

A few years back, I was watching an episode of Oprah where Ayelet Waldman wrote an essay about loving her husband more than her children. (You can imagine there were some gasps and some claps.) She writes:

But the real reason for this lack of sex, or at least the most profound, is that the wife’s passion has been refocused. Instead of concentrating her ardor on her husband, she concentrates it on her babies. Where once her husband was the center of her passionate universe, there is now a new sun in whose orbit she revolves. Libido, as she once knew it, is gone, and in its place is all-consuming maternal desire. (par. 3)

I am the only woman in Mommy and Me who seems to be, well, getting any. This could fill me with smug well-being. I could sit in the room and gloat over my wonderful marriage. I could think about how our sex life—always vital, even torrid—is more exciting and imaginative now than it was when we first met. I could check my watch to see if I have time to stop at Good Vibrations to see if they have any exciting new toys. I could even gaze pityingly at the other mothers in the group, wishing that they too could experience a love as deep as my own. (par. 5)

I have seen this phenomenon all too many times. Couples who are so consumed by their children that they cannot go anywhere without them. Recently, at my cousin’s wedding, one of his friends, wife and baby drove from the Midwest to the Mid-Atlantic corner of the country. Instead of leaving the child with grandparents, who seem more than capable to look after the child, they had the child in tow. They did not get to enjoy the wedding as they were late and had to rush out of the reception to return home.

Another set, everything was about the child: the feedings were elaborate descriptions of food. “Ooh look carrots, yay carrots, what color are the carrots? Ooooh yummy carrots!!” Now, I am believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. Oh yes, show them all the beauty they possessive inside. I know the parent did not get a chance to enjoy the festivities. But I figure that children were given to us by God to help them grow and learn. The goal is for them to become positive, contributing members of the society and independent.

One of the couples left their child at the crib. The mother had an epiphany before the journey, “my parents raised me well, they are more than fit to keep my child overnight.” This was definitely a Hallelujah moment because in that moment she realized what God wanted for the family. Mother and father must be connected to each other, the children and community.

Waldman wishes:

some learned sociologist would publish a definitive study of marriages where the parents are desperately, ardently in love, where the parents love each other even more than they love the children. It would be wonderful if it could be established, once and for all, that the children of these marriages are more successful, happier, live longer and have healthier lives than children whose mothers focus their desires and passions on them. (par. 26)


I wonder the same thing. A pastor said that priorities of a married couple:

  1. God
  2. Each other
  3. Children
  4. Job

He stated that if the parents are in love and keep the love ignited, the children will know and understand love.

Married couples must keep the spark alive. They must have date nights, which can include shopping for sex toys, going to a local hotel (not motel), going to the movies and so forth. These sessions should be about reconnecting and feeling each other up (maybe on the couch) 😉

So let begin the sexual healing… awww yay baby!!

Keeping it Hot and Sweet,

Sexual Carob